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Arghhhh! Why can't I sign in to my own account ("We can't confirm it's you")

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Arghhhh! Why can't I sign in to my own account ("We can't confirm it's you")

When I have associated fees to pay, Paypal in their infanite wisdom have no 'problems, errors or glitches' that prevent them from taking my money. Yet when I (selfishly) want to access my account, I get met with the usual garbage of (quote) "We're sorry, we couldn't confirm it's you" followed by "Need help with your password" and "We've sent a security code" which upon entering, leads be back to the "We're sorry, we couldn't confirm it's you" excuse?
I've managed to re-set my password (why?) and even then, Paypalcan't confirm it's me. It's rather hard to navigate around their help pages when every avenue requires me to sign in. For half a nano second, I managed to access a notifications page (with pointless "You've earned your anniversary badge") but little else. I want to send a time sensitive payment for an item that's basically first come, first serve...so it looks like I've missed out on that (thanks paypal)

For the record:
I do not want to ring any phone number
I do not want to have to change passwords
I do not want to verify ANYTHING
I do not want to jump through (so-called) security hoops to access my own money....that Paypal have ZERO problem in taking from ME when it suits THEM to?

I am raging right now.